in loving memory of an angel.

"It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that lives intersect. That death doesnt just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed."
- the five people you meet in heaven.

somehow im still amazed at how easily i can forget and only in certain times do i remember how really fragile life is. i think nobody can truly remember, until its too late. only the lucky few have that second, third chances.

my dearest Aunt passed away just this past Monday morning. it was an absurd turn of events how i was enjoying myself over the weekend, with a happy gathering with friends on Sat and a bdae party on Sun, and then suddenly on Monday morning as i was getting ready for work, Sis got a call.

in a matter of three months, there have already been two deaths in the family. but what was different about it this time is that none of us, and really NONE of us, saw it coming. for Grandad, it was a matter of time coz he was sick and old, and we saw with our own eyes, how he was simply slowly drifting off. we were ready.

but not this time. and i think it was more of the shock that got to us first. after which of course the inevitable wave of sadness, so huge, it took our breath out leaving a gaping hole in our chests. she touched so many of us; it was obvious she was already and will always be missed. how very sad then that she couldnt see that, that she mattered.

had we known that she had been suffering from extreme stress and tension for five long years, i believe we could have done something to ease the hurt, pain and suffering, of which we knew nothing of. i really, really wish i had gone out of my way to make her feel better, more belonged, and less alone.

and to think i was dreaming of being a counsellor / psychiatrist, helping others who are in need of a listening ear, when there in my own circle of beloveds, is a tortured soul. how eyes can deceive. how thick the walls of facade can be. how easily we all assume.

looking back, there were indeed telling signs of a disturbed mind. but whats the use now. its all just freaking too late. and to think Sis and i used to joke about how Aunt seems to be in her own world, most of the time, just staring into space. oh gosh, how mean we were ! but you just dont realise it at that time how such minor actions can mean so much. its a case of much too late, much too soon too. coz i feel there's still so much of her i have yet to come to know. and which i want to.

and for all we know too, she might have been missing Grandad more than we realise. her burial spot is in the same row as his.

so there'll be another prayer session tomorrow, this time for Aunt, at the same place. its really funny how things turn out ? all of us assumed Gran would go first, but God knows better. it was Aunt's time to go. and we didnt even get to say goodbye.

death doesnt just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed

but on the last visit to the Opera House, Aunt seemed Very happy, which was Very unlike her. we thought it was just one of her good days, but at the bottom of our hearts, we cldnt help but feel that something was amiss. i thought i was the only one who felt that way. and yes, it was indeed her way of saying goodbye. Mom said that it was her way of telling us that she had been happy with us. so its true when they say that if a person is leaving, he'd behave differently, but often, we would not realise it until that person has left.

that Monday, Sis and i were in her room, and she pointed out how you really literally bring nothing with you over to the other side. you just .. go. we saw all the newspaper clippings Aunt kept, stored in a glass cupboard, the way we keep certain things coz you dont have the heart to throw them away ? but in truth, you dont get to bring these material things with you, these luggage, do you ? also her clothes hung at the back of the door to be used for another day, just that there isnt another day.

as we sat there, it just seemed so final. that its all for real. Aunt was no longer with us and wouldnt be around this Hari Raya. Grandad too. the very two wonderful people who though were silent while they were around ( he was really getting on his years while she was always in her own world ) spoke more with their kind actions. and now that they are gone, the silence is all the more felt, coz i realise that its someone's presence and what they do, which speaks louder.

and isnt it funny how when one thing happens, the things around you suddenly seem to coincide with it. like how you start seeing more of something ( i cant think of an example now ), after you realise it exists.

so suddenly everything i read, see or watch this week, had something to do with death, and how to deal with it the best we could. from Tuesdays with Morrie, to The Ghostwhisperer ( that new show starring Jennifer Love Hewitt - they just had to keep on showing her in a nightgown, which also featured that hottie from Prison Break ) to the five people you meet in heaven, which is my current read.

and i have been watching LOST during lunch. i still think those who pooh- poohed it should get the DVD or something coz LOST is that kind of show where you got to watch it consecutively instead of just once a week. or you'd really get lost. so watching it almost everyday helps me to better understand and you begin to see what a smashingly fantastic show it is. an extremely great plot, superb writing, great cast.

i mean yah, it doesnt make much sense them being on an island and being able to survive and still look good. but its really more of a character story, hence the flashbacks. and ive always loved flashbacks, coz it provides the faintest understanding, at least, as to why he acts the way he does. because of his past. simply ! i mean, can we deny our past ? no. its part of our life and what happened then shaped us to be who we are now, so how can we deny something like that ?

also, my belief that everyone has a story. LOST is ultimately about that. and how we are so interconnected with the people around us. we dont realise it, coz we dont realise a lot of things.

i know it seems silly but part of what i have to do at work is select winners to win premiums and send them the emails. but thats not the silly part. the silly part is me wondering, each time i select the lucky person, if this person would happen to be sitting next to me in the mrt, or happen to be the son of the driver of my fav bus 856, or happen to just walk past me, not knowing that i have just selected him to be the lucky winner of some amazing premiums. y'know ?

how our lives intersect

ah ramblings. of a wandering and a wondering mind.
but here's another great quote from the five people you meet in heaven.

the only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone

if only Aunt knew that.